Coin the Catchphrase: Final round

My Shotgun Piece!
Actors: 5 Prompt: Fake Christmas Tree
-okay, i totally cheated and used part of my ovary monologue. I love that thing. its probably one of my favorite things i've ever written. the 'like a vampire' part was rewritten with my actress, and she totally sold it. this is the original version, the performed version was different. like a vampire won.

(Lights up on DAPHNE J. MEYERS, and the four FINALISTS.)
DAPHNE J. MEYERS
Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the final round of Coin the Catchphrase! I am Daphne J. Meyers and I am your host for the evening. By the end of the night, one of these four finalists will be our grand-prize winner! They will get this shiny medal, a check for $1,000 and will get their catchphrase printed on shirts to be sold at Hot Topic! It’s been quite a ride so far, last night we said goodbye to Ben from Ohio and his phrase “Holy Mother of Bob.” But tonight, we have a special surprise! The audience will help the judges determine what our new catchphrase will be! Lets get started, shall we? First up is Matt Anderson.
MATT
Hey everyone. Thanks for helping me get to the final round, that’s pretty cool. My catchphrase is ‘an asston.’ Descriptive, right? Basically it means ‘a lot.’
First, a little history, about two Christmases ago I was at a friend’s house and their fake Christmas tree was over decorated. And I mean, overkill. You couldn’t tell if it was one of those retro aluminum trees or a green one. It was that bad. I was trying to explain this image to someone and I was lacking an adjective with oomph. And then it popped into my head. Their tree had an asston of tinsel. And I’ve used it ever since.
Now, I like to use it as a standalone answer. For example, if someone asks me how many people we’re on the MUNI, I can just say, “an asston.” Pretty simple. Plus its… vivid. Can you imagine what a ton, like the measurement, not the figure of speech, a ton of asses would look like? That’s a lot of asses my friends. Or even better, an ass that weighs a ton! There’s an image for you. That’s like a quarter of an elephant. So I’m going to leave you with that image. Vote for me and we will sell an asston of shirts!
DAPHNE J MEYERS
Okay, Matt Anderson everyone. Thank you for starting the show with such a… colorful phrase. Next up we have Sam Jorgenson.
SAM
Hi everyone. Hi Mom and Dad! They’re right there! Hi, sorry, okay. I feel so extremely lucky to be here and that everyone has accepted my contribution, even though it’s a bit untraditional. My catchphrase isn’t verbal, but more like nonverbal… stance. It’s called the No Face. (does the No Face). The face has been passed down from my Grandma to my Mom to me. Essentially you use it to convey disappointment. Sometimes you don’t want to words and all you have to do is the No Face. It doesn’t always have to be serious though. If you shake your head and mouth ‘no’ while you do the No face, it means that you are only teasing, though the person receiving the No Face is definitely being dumb about something. Once you practice enough, people can feel the No Face without even seeing it. If you are really good, they can feel it from rooms away! My mom is a genius when it comes to the No Face. I can feel the Face not only from a different room, but a different story of the house. You can sense the silence and feel the face. I hope that you can feel the Power of the No Face, and vote for me. Thanks!
DAPHNE J MEYERS
Thank you Sam! Good job thinking outside the box. We like that kind of spirit around here. Our third Finalist is Cass Davis.
CASS
Hello everyone! I hope you are having a good time. My catchphrase is something that my friends and I find utterly fantastic and want to share it with you all. It is “like a vampire.” Strange I know, but its’ an amazing way to describe speed. Anything that’s really fast, it’s like a vampire. It all started when we were talking about how things can disappear really quickly. The conversation then turned to what disappears the quickest? Of course, vampires do. I mean, they are like WOOSH, gone. I’m sure some of you are wondering what you could use this for, right? I have a situation for you. You’re at a party with your friends and everyone in the group needs a beer. You, being the kind person you are, offer to get some. Someone says, ‘hey, don’t take too long’ and all you have say is, ‘oh no, I’m like a vampire.’ Not only are you telling them you are one speedy person, but you have sparked a new conversation, about vampires! Doesn’t everyone like to talk about vampires? I know I do. I’m sure that each and every one of you can imagine the shirt in y our head. A vampire, cape in mid-swoosh, and in dripping letters, “like a vampire!” You can see it, I know you can. Vote for me!
DAPHNE J MEYERS
Thank you Cass, how very imaginative. It is now time for our fourth and final catchphrase finalist. Jill March, Everyone.
JILL
Oh my god! Hi everyone! I am so excited to be here! I can’t believe I made it to the final round! Okay, my Catchphrase is “blank makes my ovaries clap.” I know what you’re thinking, but men can use it too! They don’t have ovaries to clap, but they can make ovaries clap. Can’t you just see some guy saying, “this car is going to make ovaries clap!”?
Anything you find attractive can make your ovaries clap. My friends and I usually use it to talk about guys, such as “Jake Gyllenhaal makes my ovaries clap,” or “Coffee guy makes my ovaries clap.”
Okay, so there is this incredibly attractive man that frequents the coffee shop I work at and my ovaries don’t just clap for him. They jump up and down in a standing ovation celebration!
There are degrees for you ovaries to celebrate.
Like when I meet up with my roommate and her annoying yet oddly hot boyfriend for dinner or something, my ovaries clap politely because the guy is definitely easy on the eyes youknowhwatimsaying?
But with Coffee Guy, my ovaries shout YAY REPRODUCTION! And have a little hormonal dance party in my abdomen.
Oh! Then there is the ovarian reaction to attractive-fun guys. Jim from the Office, the American version, perfect example! He’s got cute floppy hair and you just want to hug him all the time and join in on his pranks. They do cartwheels! I’m pretty sure they are even saying Wee! In the process!
There are so many more ways that they can applaud, and excited for other people to discover them. Thank you so much for your time. Coin the Catchphrase makes my ovaries clap!
DAPHNE J MEYERS
Okay! Now you all have heard from our four finalists. Who will join the ranks of our previous winners, “word, yo” and “so hot”? Will it be Matt Anderson and “an asston”? Sam Jorgenson and the No Face? Cass Davis and “like a vampire”? or Jill March with “blank makes my ovaries clap”? Our judges are about to vote, and your applause might be able to change their mind!
Lets hear it for Matt and “an asston!”
What about Sam and the No Face!
Cass with “like a vampire”!
And last, Jill and “blank makes my ovaries clap”!
Well, that was overwhelming. Let me get the result from the judges.
(is handed the ‘results)
It looks like _________________ is the winner! Come on up here! Is there anything you would like to say?

(Alternate Endings, depending who wins)
MATT
Hell yes! This crowd rocks an asston! I want to see all of you wearing my shirt!

SAM
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, thank you! MOM AND DAD WE DID IT!

CASS
I won? I WON? YEAH! LIKE A VAMPIRE!
JILL
All of you make my ovaries clap! I can’t wait to see the shirt!

DAPHNE J MEYERS
All right! I’d like to thank all of you for coming to the finale of Coin the Catchphrase! Keep your eyes out for our new shirt in Hot Topic stores! Good Night!

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